Ensure your kids won’t bother you by telling them to wake you up in an hour so we can start cleaning the house - they will do anything to avoid waking you

Tell your kid that they snore in their sleep really often, that way you’ll know if they’re pretending to sleep because they’ll fake snore

Wanna find out if your kids are doing drugs? Tell them you're going on a weekend away and come back that evening.

Play a game with your kids "Cop Cars" while traveling. Whoever spots the most cop cars from the start to end of the trip wins! Great way to keep the kids occupied while also having an extra couple set of eyes looking out for cop cars you might not have noticed.

Hate your siblings? Buy their kids the loudest most obnoxious toys possible.

If you have a newborn baby, try to teach it to say the other parent's name first (e.g. "Dada", "Mama") then whenever the child is upset or needs something they will call for your partner not you, saving you a lot of hassle, especially at night. ...as a bonus you'll probably seem very altruistic for teaching your child your partner's name instead of your own as many people want their name to be baby's "first word" and actively try to teach it theirs first.

Next year get blackout drunk before you hide the kids Easter eggs. Finding them the next day will be fun for you too since you won't remember where they are.

Going somewhere with your kids that doesn't allow outside food. Fuck 'em and pack sandwiches and chips anyway. When questioned at the entrance, just say these items (bread, chs, meat, etc.) are approved for your child's "restricted diet" Just did this recently with my son twice this week at my local water park. Saved me about 40 dollars in 2 all day trips. Just make the food reasonably healthy of course.

Teach your kids that the ice cream truck only plays music when it is out of ice cream. It will make your life SO much easier. Trust me.

Give your kids a bag of coal each for Christmas this year. When they cry just tell them Santa is wrong and you'll get it sorted. Once the shops open buy what they asked for. They will think you are a legend and Santa is a dick. You will also get the presents for half price.

Use the Mother's room at work for naps after you stop pumping I work corporate security at a large office building. I noticed that one of our associates no longer brought in a breast pump when I was checking her bags, but she continued to use the mother's room. Instead of turning it in I sat down with her in the lunchroom and told her "It's none of my business what you do in the mother's room, but if you continue to go into the mother's room without a pump because we're going to think you're going in there to take a nap." She looked like she was getting ready to argue with me then just nodded and said thanks. She stopped using the mother's room for naps. if she had just started bringing in her pump she could have kept on using that room as a free 20 minute nap everyday until that kid went to college and HR wouldn't have the guts to say anything.

Have some rowdy children who want to play? Tell them that you're all going to play hide and seek and that you'll be "it". Once you finish your countdown don't go anywhere and just enjoy your peace and quiet.

Tell your kid that if he or she doesn't brush their teeth well enough, they'll all fall out. When they start to lose their baby teeth, tell them they didn't do a good enough job. This way, they'll brush their adult teeth really well.

If you are a parent, use your child's library card when checking books out of the library. Not only can you check out any book (adult or children's), but there is no fee if you return them late.

Tell your kids that every time they lie or break a promise, they permanently lose a strand of hair on their head, and that if they lie too much, they will go bald at a very young age. Works like a charm! Note: Avoid if you are bald, and also make them promise to keep it a secret at least till they turn 15 or something. Believe me, you don't want them going to a relative and be like "I see that you lie a lot" "No I don't, who told you that?" "LIAR LIAR!!! My mum told me!" You can also add that they earn a strand everytime they help you, do a good deed or something...

Kid doesn't want to eat something? Send them to a friends house to hangout, and give/tell the parents to cook the food your kid doesn't like! He will be forced to eat it, or be super embarrassing to a friend's family.

When picking pumpkins this year, secretly buy them beforehand at Aldi’s where it’s significant cheaper and put them in the trunk. Then, take the kids to the pumpkin patch and have them pick out their pumpkin and tell them the workers will put them in the trunk for them.

Is your child waiting on a package? When you receive it, hide it before they see it. Every day they will offer to get the mail for you until it "arrives".